What You Can Learn From Love & Heartbreak

Would this be a personal journey without a story of love and heartbreak? Most of us have been through it. But we don’t talk enough about it. We don’t talk about what you can get from love, loss, and (in my case) love after loss in an advanced way moving forward. I can tell you, at the time of this writing, that separating from the person you truly love is the greatest pain you will ever feel. I don’t mean to scare you when I say that. In fact, I invite you to put yourself in that position. My hope is that my experience & reflections on the topic should lend to that invitation.

The Situation

I can’t tell you specifics of our situation. But I can tell you that we were perfect for each other. I still believe we are. We are opposites and alike in too many ways to count. The only way we differed was in our expression of ourselves. She’s an ENFJ and I’m an INFJ. This gave us a complementary perspective of each other that couldn’t be matched by anyone. We taught each other to adopt things the other had, because we were both at points in our lives where we were really leaning on our dominant traits to provide our stability. The story goes that we got way into each other’s way to notice how special the love we had was. We both needed space for a short amount of time to see that but were too in love to give it to each other. In retrospect, I wish we had refreshed our understanding of our personality types. But then I wouldn’t have opened up about this. We wouldn’t be here right now. So who knows. With that said, here’s some of my reflections on the extent of my heartbreak and what it meant for me to experience that.

The Backstory

The most significant thing I saw in her was that she was like me. When I was her age, at that stage in my own life, I had a partnership with a wonderful woman. But I knew I was in no position to be in a relationship. I had a business, I had my growth front and center, and I had to walk into being who I was becoming. I loved the woman, but I knew that our relationship would be doomed if I could not get the patience I needed to love her and love myself without losing my mind. Many will tell you this is an impossible task.

You can’t love someone else and yourself for the both of you, they might say. To a degree, they may be right. I say rise to the challenge and see for yourself before you count yourself out. Nothing ventured is nothing gained. If you are not willing to face failure, you’re not ready to live in your greatness. With that said, it didn’t work out, but it wasn’t to anyone’s fault. It was a timing thing.

I knew I needed this growth. The world I was living in, before hitting certain realizations, would’ve eaten me alive.  I’m sensitive to what I do and don’t know. I saw a “reality” I didn’t want to live in and I escaped that trajectory via opportunities opened to me. So my need in this growth was that I knew what I DIDN’T want; a life of continued suffering, suffering in ignorance to what produced it. If I didn’t know, I couldn’t do anything about it. And I didn’t want to be a victim. Not anymore.

The Heartbreak & Lesson

A moment ago I said my partner and I were perfect for each other. I also said that I saw in her what I saw in myself. She was going through this exact period. Almost exactly as I’ve described it. And it took us breaking up for me to realize I was back in this position too. We deeply loved each other. We still do. I believe so. But I also believe, if she needed what I needed on my first go round, she needed the freedom to experience the world without obligation. I was one of the last attachments that had power over her. So I had to go. However, this wasn’t one sided. I felt the same feelings, not only about having to go for her, but also to go for me. We needed to split. It was for our own good. For each other’s good. Because it simply wasn’t the time for us to be in the relationship we were in. 

I’m convicted that we will reconnect stronger than ever because we’ve done nothing but love each other. Yes there was pain. Yes there was disagreement. No couple ever escapes those experiences. But that never existed outside the bounds of love. We reached a stage where the opposite was coming to fruition and breaking up saved us.

It’s painful to realize that. I realized it before the actual break up happened. I had my heartbroken before it happened. I broke down like I never have in my life. I felt a pain so deep that death couldn’t phase me. It crippled me. I didn’t eat for days. I definitely didn’t sleep well, if I was lucky enough to even sleep. Oh, and I really felt physical pain from it. SERIOUS pain.

But that’s the pain I describe you should go through if you truly believe in growing. Because that led me here. To this post. To getting this site released. To it feeling ready after months of it looking ready. Because now with that experience, I feel different. I feel like I am speaking the way I envisioned. Because that’s what she wanted for me; to show the world my authentic self. To show the world why she fell in love with me. To show the world me, just being me.

We would not be here without that happening. I wasn’t ready to put this all out there despite saying otherwise before. I had plans I wanted implemented, but this pain forced me into action. I had no other choice. I wouldn’t let me have any other choice. I was broken. I let the pain sit and deepen without running from it. I came out alive, and still in love with this woman. Still in love with life. I came out believing a stronger intimacy possible with her. This is the magic. I came to meet my faith in the face of failure. My biggest fears came true. I literally (well figuratively) died. But the worst was done. I had nothing to fear anymore. Experiencing my greatest fear wished it away. And, as a result, I could only experience love now.

Some Final Thoughts

Some would say it’s naive to believe that couples who break up will get back together. Some will say timing matters. Some will say that if its meant to be, let them free. And if they come to thee after they’re free, it’s meant to be.

As for me, timing doesn’t matter. But recognizing where you and your significant other are ensures a secure loving partnership. Our recent break up was our best move to meet each other where we’re at during this time. Without meeting there first, we can’t ever walk where we want to be together. Situations are temporary, that can include break ups. But how temporary those things are depend solely on your ability to love yourself and the other enough to respect what the “now” brings you.

It’s not easy to love someone else. You have to know how to love yourself before it can get easier. Ironically, this is a task that is as easy and as difficult as you make it. You will face the truth in a very complex way. The nature of love being self-abandonment and self-fulfillment simultaneously. That self and other are the same. That you can only go as far as you’ve loved yourself.

The short time since filled me with the opportunity to love myself again. I allowed myself to re-engage activities that I felt best reflected who I am. And I couldn’t be happier. I developed a joy I once put down for external situations. And nothing would please me more if I could share that with my lover, my partner, and for now ex-girlfriend. But that’s essentially the point of the breakup. It’s to redirect that energy to the self. Compound it, feed on it,  and when the time is right, share it.

This is not a common story I share. I typically share wisdom in success topics and write with different voices. But I completely opened up here as a sucker for love: The Lover Man met in the face of his greatest failure. That’s why I share it this early: To open the airwaves and relieve the pressure for sharing stuff like this. Getting it out the way. This is my website and well… you’re here for a reason. I may never know what that reason is, but I’m delighted you’re here. You make the effort to meet me in my space, and you’ll be welcomed. But seriously, don’t expect everything to be like this. I’m not as soft as you might think. I might be softer. But that’s for another post.

I conclude this by saying no experience in my life matched that one. I saw that I was willing to die to make it work for the same reason I’m willing to risk dying to make my own dreams reality. My reality is unity, a world where we come together. And in this case, a world where my still acknowledged lover and I can co-create side by side.

Maybe I am softer than I lead. Maybe even delusional.

But I came out alive. That’s all that matters.